SUNDAYS WITH JASON

“Well I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn’t hurt…” Ah, the sounds of Johnny Cash. Another Sunday comes as the “man in black” takes me back to the years I worked as a welder, listenin’ to Johnny & wonderin; “When am I gettin’ out of this hole?” Back then, the night shift started on Sunday. I am glad to be reminiscing from this rocking chair, rather than sitting at that welder, burning my self some new freckles.

So, what’s new? Obviously not much as the same things keep happening week in, week out. Like the lady who ran into a train with her SUV. At first I was mad to hear another “idiot vs. train story” but when I saw her on the news; my uncompassionate heart skipped a beat with glee. She had her ankles wrapped up like that seen from “Misery” when Kathy Bates “hobbles” James Caan. Only he didn’t deserve it! Between that woman, the 4-car-pile-up on Abbe, the guy who drove his truck 30 feet down a ravine, the poor firefighter struck by a car on 113, and the fatal crash on Henderson Dr; it’s official, everyone has forgotten how to drive! People, come on! What’ll happen when the snow begins to fall & the roads get icy? I’ll start walking, that’s what!
SLOW DOWN & OPEN YOUR EYES. It’s that easy.

Here’s a riddle: What’s 15 feet long, smells like bacon & has just 2 teeth? Answer: the line at Wal-Mart. Nonetheless, I had to go there to stock up on wasp & bee killer. Why? TWO WORDS: Africanized Bees! As we speak, these bees are in New Orleans trying to wipe out the surviving Katrina victims. But, as we all know, they could fly here any day. Now, this may end up like the Chinese Bird Flu scare, which almost drove my wife into post-traumatic stress disorder! (She had me dodging pigeons, fasting from poultry & eggs, I even crated up the neighbors adopted Chinese children and tried shipping them back.) But bees, that’s a different story! They sneak through the vents, fly up your shorts, and hide in your apples and kill in groups. Personally, I’d rather run from flu-riddled chickens. They can’t get into your house (unless you have a doggie-door). Anyway, batten down the hatches and be prepared to weather the swarm!

The HIGHLIGHT OF THE LOWLIGHT: Well, if you were dumb enough to plan a drive through (or drive-by) in downtown Elyria; cancel your plans! Everyone is up in arms about these wannabe Tri-C filmmakers closing down the streets. First of all, you’re from Tri-C, go back to your own County. Secondly, if the Main Street Director really thinks that a video (that no one will see) could bring outsiders & George Clooney here, she is smoking something far too strong to keep for herself! George Clooney wouldn’t come to Elyria if his flight crashed here! Maybe George Clinton (He actually was at the House of Blues in Cleveland on the 13th, what a coincidence). It’s hard enough to lure an Elyrian downtown. Why are you trying for George Clooney? Point in case: The last thing Elyria needs downtown is a bunch of arrogant, pompous, rude kids stopping traffic. (Save that for 2 a.m. when the bars let out!) Oh, and to our Chief Reporter who was hassled by these pencil-necked-geeks: Next time some punk gets in your way, blowing smoke through his yellow teeth and into your face; do what I do… Grab the cigarette from his hand and put it out in his eye. Just make sure you discard it in the proper receptacle (we don’t want to break the littering law).

Finally, ARE YOU READY??? The count-down begins to….. THE APPLE FESTIVAL, can you even wait for the balloon drop? Oh brother, and why balloons? Why not just drop apples on everyone and put them out of their misery. Can you taste it, can you smell it? The smell of the beer, the apples, the carnies body odor (I just threw up). Speaking of; our thoughts and prayers go to Terry as he risks his life at the Convenient Foodmart Burn-Off and their barbecued chicken. (just kidding, I love their chicken...yeah, okay) So party hard Apple eaters!

Drive careful and stay on the road (preferably on your side).

“Bee” Safe!
Jason