SUNDAYS WITH JASON

Right out of the gate, I’ll start with my star this week. It’s not a colorful star but it has a name: I present the first ever F.D.L.F.D.O, STAR or the “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Old” Star. The recipient of which managed to drive her vehicle through traffic, a parking lot, jumping a curb, through a yard, a fence and into the back of a home! Congratulations to Rita Humelsine, at just 74 years young! Talk about crashing the party; it’s not everyday that your sitting in your house “minding your own business,” only to be interrupted by Miss Daisy (driving herself!) and parking her Nissan on your davenport! But let’s give her a “brake” folks. This wasn’t a gin-soaked “senior moment.” She simply “forgot” which pedal was the brake! An easy mistake; it’s just like when your Surgeon “forgets” what a scalpel is or when your Dentist forgets what Novocain is. It’s no big deal! A lot of men “forget” to wash their hands before they come out of the restroom, “celeb”utants “forget” to wear undergarments. My single mother (of 3, God bless her) at times “forgot” where all her children were. It’s an everyday occurrence, we all forget things. Too bad for Rita, that she didn’t forget how to leave her house or where her keys were or how to start her car; otherwise this may have never happened. Another example of why I am in favor of people needing to be “recertified” at the BMV. Especially when they’re getting older (and older). But I also have a better idea. This past month we’ve seen some pretty gnarly old-lady-drivers. Why don’t we get them all together once a year and just let them have at it “dodgem-style.” We could have Granny Demolition Derby’s, (sponsored by Geritol). Could you imagine… the smell of tires burning, dust flying, corn dogs, beer, not to mention udder and teat salve with a hint of Black Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor. Pull over NASCAR! Let’s move on.

As Santa kicks it into hyper-gear and the Salvation Army bells ring out a bit louder, I can’t help but get into the holiday spirit! So break out the Johnny Mathis albums and get yourself some eggnog. Let’s spread some Christmas cheer, come on, you know you want to! This week I’ll give you some great gift ideas for anyone living in Lorain County, or even Lagrange on Slife Rd, near Cissell. (Inside joke…Hi Carl)

So here’s a few stocking stuffers for you: No Lorain County Christmas would be complete without the gift of roadside emergency kits! Road flares, jumper cables, a shovel, a blanket, pepper spray (for hobos), rubber boots, grappling hook, semi-automatic handgun (to scare the “riff-raff”) and the necessary, “DEAR GOD, SAVE ME” car window sign. I think it’s a great idea for those of us forced to drive through (or around) the County.

What else? Well, on a somewhat “serious” note, seems like homeowners don’t feel the necessity of having smoke alarms or fire extinguishers on hand. Why not? You’d think a fire extinguisher would be a fun thing to bring outside in the summer and squirt at the neighbors’ kids. But that’s just me. So, give the gift of life preservation; fire extinguishers, smoke alarms, carbon monoxide detectors, window ladders. Maybe even some flame retardant bed sheets for the smoker in your life.

Then, for the everyday Lorain County folks that you see on a regular trip through town, here’s a great gift list for those of us who like to buy things for random strangers: Batteries (for the guy standing at the corner blasting his ‘boom-box’), toothbrush (for the guy in line at Wal-Mart, telling you his life story as you wait to be rang-up), a mirror (for the girl at work who obviously gets ready in the dark every morning), a flask (for the cousin who you will never convince to sober up), a small Hibachi grill for the guy who lives under the bridge by the mall (to cook cats on) and finally; the quintessential gift for a true Lorain County resident: a one-way ticket outta here!!

So I’d say that will get you started.

I bit my tongue long enough before I had to say a big “Hello” to Mr. Orzech, for leaving such a cute comment on my post last week, I was truly inspired and obviously invited some criticism last week. People wanted me to respond and since I don’t need any friends, I might as well make an enemy. To answer you once and once only, Mr. Carl, I spend all season thinking of what to buy for my family on my marathon shopping spree Christmas Eve I do it because I love them and they’re worth it, my wife and baby are getting a first class ticket to Florida to visit my family with me this New Year, so don’t tell me about how much I love my friends & family you douche bag! You say it gets old reading the same crap week after week, (well thanks for reading) just imagine how your family feels having to see you every week too. Finally, my mom hugged me plenty and loved me very much. But not the same way that your momma was lovin' me last night!

Jason, a momma joke...sorry kids; I had to go there! Oh and, “I’m not your bitch; bitch.” What a waste of space, but at least I feel better.

I hope you all are happy this Christmas Season, and if you’re throwing coal through windows (instead of bricks, like I do all year) I’ll get you Carl’s address. BAH HUMBUG!!

Peace,
Jason