Sunday, November 18, 2007


So, Sunday rolls into town and I am spending these last moments looking at my toes. Why? Come on, you know. After Thursday I won’t be able to see them till after New Years!

So let’s talk some trash. By trash I mean Lorain County!

The crash on 113: Kid swerves to miss a deer. A likely story! After learning he was slapped with a DUI, I was wondering if the “deer” had a bright red nose, or if it was towing Santa’s sleigh. But to the comment saying he wasn’t “drunk” and that the deer was the culprit; I say: GROW UP! Drinking has varied effects on everyone, especially younger people. Just because this kid wasn’t face down in a vomit-filled toilet, he’s not “drunk”? Just pass the “buck” and we’ll blame it on the deer! After all it was probably the deer that bought the booze and loaded the kid up.

Some more good news; The Midview school was given the “all clear” and the mystery is on to find out what made all those students collapse. Well, let me put on my detective hat and call me "Sherlock” but a document I read from the DTSC (Department of Toxic Substances Control) said that they would start monitoring methane gas levels under schools and in crawl spaces. Why? Turns out that enough gas build up could in fact “blow-up” a building if not detected. What does that have to do with Midview? Well, I will answer with a question: Where does Methane come from? COWS! So, I know I have no real “hoof” to stand on with this observation but, maybe all the cow dung and burping in Midview has started poising the school system. It’s a wild guess but that’s why they call me Sherlock! My guess is the cows ran off right before the authorities got there!

Maybe it’s the same gas that set Wellington up in smoke too. You never know. We’ve got some great pictures for all you pyromaniacs! I am glad no one was hurt though. Good to see a group effort by all the Departments involved. Great Job!

Now, a story I can sink my teeth into. An old, (I mean OLD) lady in Avon Lake ran a stop sign and almost killed a couple people! I got right to the bottom of this one. This was a planned attack! If you’ve ever been to Fratello’s, you should know they DO NOT have free refills on soda! A senior citizens nightmare! (Second only to over-priced coffee!) I think this “blue hair”, backed up, revved up and gunned it for the restaurant. Only to be thwarted when some “innocent bystanders” pulled into her way! I hope she’ll recover in time for BINGO! The only crime she’s committed in my book is being, “one spicy meat-a-ball!” Death to Fratello’s!

So, it’s only fitting that my HIGHLIGHT OF THE LOWLIGHTS be centered around the recent crime sprees here in Lorain County. The first being the “Pure” Gas Station in Amherst. What kind of gas is pure anyway? Certainly not mine! (Sorry, I had to) Idiot #1: He pulled off a decent caper; I have just a couple questions. First, I understand the all black ensemble but why would you pull your shirt up over your face? Is it that hard to find a mask? Especially post-Halloween! I implore you all to try to pull your shirt up around your nose for just a moment. My neck hurts already, you can’t make any sudden movements and it kinda smells funny. Just a thought. Secondly, I am still trying to figure out the whole “run-by” approach. Is it so hard to find a getaway car or at least a getaway bike, skateboard; roller-skates… not even a Pogo stick? I guess running is just the ghetto way to getaway. We could call it a “ghettaway.” But this story is not as interesting as the next.

Idiot #2: I don’t care if you’re making a million dollar deposit; the bank doesn’t wait around a millisecond after closing time. I am guessing this guy doesn’t have a checking account. Not only did he unsuccessfully try to get in the bank, he couldn’t even “ghettaway!” Then comes the lame brain story about getting “carjacked.” Dude, you’re driving a ’91 Taurus; NO ONE WANTS TO JACK YOUR CAR! But you know what the best part of this one is? Someone posted this, “….If you knew this man as nothing but warm-hearted and kind, would you think it was funny? If you were close to this young man and knew that he didn't have a malicious bone in his body, would this still be funny?...” YES! It would still be funny. Let’s cut through the crap with a hot knife here; Jeffrey Dahmer was a “nice” guy. Satan is the “fallen” Angel. I am so sick of hearing about all these nice guys and when they go bad. I am calling out to all you bona-fide “NICE” guys. Defend your territory! These imposters are living their lives, claiming to be just like you and then turning out to be MONSTERS! And to all the liars: if you murder someone, rob someone (or attempt to). You are NOT a nice guy. You are an Idiot! If that commenter could go back and add some music to his post, I would suggest some sappy violin music to the tune of “poor pitiful me.” Point in case; this dummy couldn’t pull off a heist if he had O.J Simpson riding shotgun and the “A-Team” as a back-up plan. LOSER!

Quite a slew of crashes this weekend. Our roads looked more like the demolition derby. I would advise people to avoid 113 altogether. Do yourselves a favor and stay home. Play gin rummy. Or just drink gin; apparently that’s what your kids are doing. I just hope a teen doesn’t have to die before we take underage drinking seriously. Some of these kids have only had their licenses a couple years. Is there nobody there to make sure these kids can walk a line before they jump behind the wheel? Okay parents, I get it. You don’t want to baby-sit your teens. Fine, just remember that when they’re being lowered into the ground in the ol’ pine box.

That’s all, sorry I rambled on but…it’s what I do! Take care of yourselves and have a Happy Thanksgiving. I’ll be making house stops, picking up leftovers, so “if you need me, call me.”



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say, Jason, I get a little put off by your put downs of Lorain County. Sure - we have our share of losers. What area doesn't. We also have a lot of good, hard working people. So, why don't you give those of us who go to work, pay our bills, take care of our homes and families a break?

1:14 PM  
Anonymous ken said...

I second that Jason. I am not busting your chops because good humor never hurt any one but, how about doing some investigating reporting if you have the time and start giving some the Jason Award for good citizen ship for little things that would not be written about in the big news papers.

You have the talent for writing so use it for important tidbits to write about it just add one or two idiot stories to give it some flavor. You can come up with some kind of emblem to use as the award I am sure; hey it’s just a suggestion that is all I am not journalist by any means.

4:03 PM  
Anonymous karl said...

Well, I do have to start out with a little bit of humor. Yes, you should create an award for the people doing good things in the county. I was initially thinking of "Best Examples of Lorain Countians Helping" (BELCH) but wasn't sure that we would want to say "let's give that person a loud BELCH" when we're wanting to thank them for their actions. I think this one still needs a little work before naming the award.

Now, on the serious side, we do like the positive stories and tmcnews just ran one (see yesterday's story regarding Operation Open Heart) about some real Lorain County heroes. These people are donating their own time to help others and they do deserve a loud round of applause. So, thank you tmcnews for running the story and, more importantly, thank you to those individuals involved in the food delivery.

10:17 AM  

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