Sunday, October 28, 2007

SUNDAYS WITH JASON

Ah, the smell of…wait, what is that smell? Why it’s the smell of irreverent, satirical and blatantly offensive banter; and it seems to be seeping from my pores! Well then get me the air freshener and let’s have at it! Shall we dance my friends?

First, I hope none of our readers have any family displaced by the fires in California, that being said; I thought the media coverage was very interesting. Why? Remember the Katrina aftermath? People with no where to go, the over crowded shelters and most importantly…the fact that people there still have to live in trailers, with little to no resources. Well, I just thought it was funny to see the people displaced from these fires and the contrast to what is provided for them. They have “dog havens” so their precious pooches can eat. There are “media lounges” so they can still have their internet access. Shutters on the Beach, Viceroy in Santa Monica and Beverly Hills' Peninsula and Four Seasons hotels were all over-booked with people taking “refuge”. One resident even said, "It sounds terrible, but I'm glad it's [my house] gone. How would you like to sit in your house when one third of your neighbors are gone?” Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not comparing this to Katrina. I just think it is a bit of a joke to hear people say they are “destitute” and are “forced to live in their Manhattan loft” until their house is rebuilt. I hope there is help for the people who really need it. Moving on…

I don’t want to talk about the Petric boy who killed his mother and almost his father. He was raised better than that. Anyone who could kill their mother is a waste of air. But, let’s just say this; my heart goes out to the family. I know Pastor Petric will forgive his son, providing he recovers, that is an honorable attribute that I admire. I went to school with many a pastor’s kid, and though they were never perfect, they weren’t murderers either. I do know they have a bit more pressure on them to do good, or at least “look” like they are good. But that just isn’t enough to push someone over the edge. But Video Games? I have played Halo, it was not addicting. I was born in the generation of technology; there was never a time without video games for me. No matter how many times my mom told me to turn off my favorite game, I never thought to kill her. I just can’t put a handle on this one.

In case you missed it, this was National School Bus Safety Week, so do what I did: Next time you come to a railroad crossing, stop before the tracks, turn on your hazards, open your door and peek your head out to make sure no train is coming. Then proceed to cross. Believe me, it’s so much fun. The people behind me thought I was an idiot, oh wait, I am.

What else has happened this week? Another car crashes into someone’s Elyria home. Here’s a suggestion: If you live in Elyria, and your street name is a number (i.e.: 8th, 9th, 10th). Do yourself a favor and install some big concrete pillars in your front yard. Or even better… move!! There have been 2 or 3 of these kinds of accidents around that neighborhood the past few months. Maybe the cars are trying to prune the neighborhood of ugly houses, I dunno.

I loved the story about Officer Rick Walker and his K9 partner Stuka. On the trail for a fugitive, Bounty-Hunter-Style! I tell you, if every neighborhood had a Stuka, this world would be crime free. Hey Officer Rick, throw that dog a bone!

Speaking of bones; there’s a story of some bone-heads who crashed their SUV while arguing. Does the phrase, “Take it outside,” mean anything? That means fight outdoors, not indoors and not in a moving vehicle (that you happen to be driving). MORONS! Whatever happened to pulling over and duking it out? This young couple needs to grow up. Kids these days!

Could it possibly be true? Is it time for the infamous…. HIGHLIGHT OF THE LOWLIGHTS?? Yes, and many of you saw this one coming. The story “DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?” Not only will I use my words to cut these lamebrains’ down to size, I will also use a witty graphic! Back up, I’m attempting to multi-task!
Now, that’s the only way you get a truck into the water! So here’s the thing, I really love to see a story like this. A man and a woman, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I… Sorry. Two lovebirds that were too broke to go on a real date. So he takes her to a state park in Wellington? What a rip-off! On top of that, he backs his truck down a boat ramp (with no intention of getting wet) and loses his vehicle to the raging waters. Actually, they weren’t raging and he says his truck “slipped on algae. Now the question is, was he really just “viewing the foliage” with his girlfriend? By the way, who says foliage? And how do you see it while backing down a boat ramp? I bet they were “distracted” with each other.

But there’s more to this story, the TMC RESEARCH TEAM found a bit of dirty laundry on Mr. Scott Morgan. He’s got a record, and not for truck-boating either. In fact here are some charges: 2907.31- Disseminating Matter Harmful to Juveniles, Committed, 2911.13- Breaking and Entering, Committed2911.11- Aggravated Burglary, Committed, 2907.09- Public Indecency, Committed. Yes, he’s an ex-con and registered sex offender. I am not making this up. Take a look yourself: PERV. Maybe this was his “favorite spot”. My, “What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!” But, nice try to Mother Nature, who was obviously trying to lure this guy to the bottom of the river. Better luck next time!

Well, we did it. Another lap of the rat race has passed. What are we running for and what do we win? I trust you are all getting in those abdominal exercises before the holidays. I know I am, be proud of me, as I have already gone up a pant size! Until next time, who knows what’ll happen. But you know TMC will be there and I’ll follow-up to put the “stank” on it!

Slap on a smile, or slap one on someone else (that’s more fun). Don’t forget to floss after you steal your kids’ candy. No one wants rotted teeth in their Christmas photos.

Jason

2 Comments:

Blogger bloggerdude said...

jason

for halloween this week i'm gonna be superman. does this mean i still have to stop and look both ways when confronted with a speeding train? i'll have that single hand thing going for me...

thank you for reminding everyone to floss. perhaps this is the cause of the decay of all mankind!!!

i really enjoy your script. thanks

12:24 AM  
Anonymous Karl said...

Jason, speaking of getting press coverage (re: the story on the California fires), have you ever considered a "FEMA" style news conference with tmcnews? You could get all the tmcnews people together and have them ask prepared aimless questions and have a field day with the answers. Would be a great way to expand news coverage on some of the boneheads ("car argument girl" - love those fluffy pink shoes in the one picture, "does my truck float boy" - guess that's an option he didn't want installed when he bought the truck, and some of the other winners in the news this week). Also, for another winner, the car into the house was a good one. I guess you need to come up with a better time to tell the police that your car was stolen rather than 3 hours earlier than you were caught driving it. Oops, maybe it was stolen, recovered and then stolen again. There was obviously no lack of material for you to work with this week. Do you ever wish for more of a challenge in gathering stories or does Lorain County just have a bumper crop of idiots? We'll just have to keep following the news to answer that one.

10:59 AM  

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