Sunday, August 26, 2007

SUNDAYS WITH JASON

This is no ordinary Sunday, today I am deemed Judge Jason: I am Judge and Jury, dishing out some well needed justice! Here we go; the subjects and stories have not been changed (to further embarrass them).
Where’s my gavel?

Michael Vick, a bon-a-fide waste of air, born to a poor couple of teenage losers (another reason I advocate abstinence and birth control). It’s partly our fault. Our money was used to bring him up out of the ghetto, free ride him through college and make him a top draft pick in our country’s favorite sport. What else do you want for your money? Just read the story about the cruel and sadistic “punishment” inflicted on the dogs that lost their fights; you’d agree he is a disgrace. This is why I’m not in the justice system (that and my inability to have compassion) because I wouldn’t spare him. MY JUDGMENT: No more plea bargains! What a crock! The only plea I want to hear is Vick crying to some guy, strapping him on the same “rape stand” he had for the dogs. (Gavel slams)

Here’s a question for you 40 something’s. It’s midnight, raining and pitch black; what are you doing? Well, if you are a Lorain County Fair vendor, you’re tooling around on an ATV and nearly killing yourself and your lady. Talk about a dumb way to almost die, I think they were just trying to get out of there. JUDGMENT: Forced to work the fair every summer, oh wait, that’s what you do now... NEW RULING: Forced to take a shower… WITH SOAP!

As far as the fair-goers, here’s a tip: eat the food and pet the animals, just make sure you’re tested for E. coli, Ebola and maybe Chlamydia (just for kicks). NO, I personally didn’t go to the fair, and NEVER will, until there is a vaccine or immunization shot at the gate.

Again, what’s up with TRAINS? Another kid hit by a train. Not in a car, but walking. This time however, there was an accomplice, his phone. Apparently he was texting as he walked across the tracks, horn blaring and was struck. Now, He’s not dead, (No comment) but it is time to go back to my first “Sundays With Jason” and reiterate a poignant credo, “KIDS AND ADULTS: THE TRAIN WILL ALWAYS WIN. YOU WILL ALWAYS LOSE.” Texting has killed us in the car and now by train. Put that along with McDonald’s on a Monday in Lorain and WHAM! Here today, gone tomorrow. I’M RULING WITH THE TRAIN, FOREVER. (Gavel slams)

ON a side note: to all Gold Card Members, due to the recent rain and flooding, I am constructing an ark. If the time comes when the waters overtake us; only you Members may sail with me.(BYOB) … and sparkling grape juices.

Also, as if the price of gas wasn’t enough to keep you from filling up, now you have to watch out for moronic people crashing into you. Take this Elyria woman-fool who plowed down a pump at the ever-popular Speedway on 57 nearly burning the place down: WHY can’t people drive anymore?? JUDGMENT: Revoke her license, hereby ordering her to personally pump our gas 24-7 without pay. Your first fill-up is on her tab, and wash my windows hag. (Gavel slams)

So my HIGHLIGHT OF THE LOWLIGHTS: Corporal Punishment arguments? Mr. Petruzzi opened a stinky can of worms when he decided to ask for your feedback on the child beating story. Here is where my Judging prowess takes center stage. First, the boy was flogged, not spanked. That picture was taken a day later and still looks like a bad wax job on a gorilla. There is no doubt that this judge had an agenda to make clear. Is he an expert on being able to differentiate between “deep tissue” and “mere surface blemishes?” Let’s get this straight; beating on your kids takes finesse, you have to have aim, hand-eye coordination and control of force. If you don’t have that at the time, take a breather and smack ‘em up later. But here’s the clincher. Kids will grow up stronger, smarter and faster. Parents will shrink, shrivel and lose their glasses everywhere. Discipline your kids out of love, or at least constructive correction. They’ll get even with you later, I guarantee. “Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are careful to discipline them.” (Removes monocle; puts down pipe) Mr. Petruzzi, I rule in your favor. (I love this gavel)

Forgive me in advance for this next one-liner, but for some reason everyone got off track with corporal punishment so here’s my take:
If teachers were going to start spanking our kids again, they’d have to stop sleeping with them first. GAVEL SLAMS!! (I love teachers?)

On a serious note (I’m always serious) my heart goes out to the family of Ohio State Trooper Jack P. Holland Jr. who lost his life due to an allergic reaction. God Bless our law enforcement and the people who risk their lives for us. Especially our Firefighters, like the ones that are being put on the chopping block by some readers and the Mayor of Elyria. Shame, I hope all your houses burn down. (Gavel Slams)

Well, I broke my Gavel and though I like dishing out the hard justice, but these robes are itchy and I look like a nun. That’s all for now folks.
Have a good (safe) week.


Jason

5 Comments:

Blogger TMC NEWS said...

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1:52 AM  
Anonymous AChenoweth said...

Well said my fellow "Gold Card Member"!!!...and by the way...I will B.M.O.B. (M=my) and maybe even some good home cooked food for us to share on the ark as well. At this rate, I feel like we are going to be on it a while.

10:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe this week is the funniest to date!!!! I haven't laughed like that since Terry's butt sneeze......Move over Bill Engvall, Jason is in town!!!...nina

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Kenny(mood-calm thank you) said...

Glad I'm a gold card member...but Jason, I'm not sure I want to go to the fair or share an ark with some of our fellow gold carders...

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Rob said...

Jason...I would love to get my keyboard back someday soon...I miss it alot....

7:13 PM  

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